I write to you while in it, this epidemic of adult children estranging themselves from their parents. My Daughter 36 (middle child) has estranged herself from me for close to 13 years. My oldest Son 41 had been distant from me for the majority of the last ten years and as of August 2024 has cut ties with me and my youngest Son 32 decided to put me in time out as of August of 2024 as well. All of them have children who I am no longer allowed to see. My heart is shattered.
And. I understand their choice. We all have had a long and exhausting decade together. While my Daughter choosing to estrange herself from me was taking shape for years before the dark decade, the years of the decade fueled her anger toward me.
You can read the details of what happened in August 2024. I share some of the details to free subscribers of ShardsandWords. It’s a reasonable exchange between you and I and you will find benefit from it. You’ll find tips on how to live while in it, this estrangement, no matter which subscription option you choose.
As a deeply flawed human during a moment in time when good enough in fact, is not, I’m sending these notes to you to help both of us. I’m not a psychologist, so these notes are to you from another parent who is healing at the same time they are continually in emotional pain and trying to find a way back to a relationship with my children. The number of years I have lived in shame for reasons outside of my children estranging themselves from me has been too many and the unfortunate overlap of my healing mentally and physically with the act of my kids saying they’re done with me is quite a challenge. I write about the non linear healing of life.
What you’ll find at ShardsAndWords:
In my posts, you’ll get tips, tools and resources on how to live in peace while you’re in the pain of estrangement. You can listen to these posts on my upcoming podcast and soon on YouTube where I plan to interview us parents, experts and if possible some children who have chosen to estrange themselves.
I write about this life I have lived. Since my children have chosen to estrange from me, this topic includes stories about my children, whom I love deeply. I will protect them by not using their names and not give identifying information about their careers or children’s names. Because my children’s and my lives include the impact of domestic violence, I write about domestic violence.
Here are some possible topics I will write to you about.
- Gaining and keeping peace while your child/ren choose to estrange
- Coping with the taboos of estrangement
- Dealing with the shame and guilt that easily creeps in when your child/ren choose to estrange from you
- Non expert theories from a mom who has dealt with a child choosing estrangement long term
- Is is possible to connect with Grands when your child chooses low contact?
- The double heartbreak of grandchild alienation
- The alienated grandparent’s guide to living well
- Do grands ever seek out alienated grandparents when they are older?
- Holiday triggers and how to mitigate them
- When we say we don’t know how this happened
- Behind the scenes details of my life and why I share the way I do online
- When your estranged adult child is your bully, drawing the line and your own boundaries
- How domestic violence contributed to my children choosing estrangement
- When you understand your child’s choice to estrange themselves from you
- When you want to be heard, when you need to listen and when you may choose no contact for your own peace of mind
As a single mom I was able to give my children a life filled with both challenges and opportunities, all three of them are successful in so many of the ways this culture requires us to be, and I am proud of them. Did I make mistakes? Most definitely. Sometimes over and over. Sometimes even when I knew better. Did I bring really shitty models and learned dysfunction to my own adult life? Yes. Do I have regrets? Many. Does this punishment of current day shunning fit my mistakes as a mother? I don’t thinks so. My children will not agree obviously. So I build a life while simultaneously waiting, trying and healing and hope for some new, better, stronger, more authentic relationship with all of my children.
Some things to share with you:
- Because my children’s and my lives include the impact of domestic violence, I write about that here in addition to estrangement and will give you a head’s up when I do
- While I know my writing and telling of my life will be a source of pain for some, anger for others, incredulity for some too; this is my life experience, my experiences with people in my life. You are free to gain from my experiences and move on from the rest
- I will occasionally respond to what might seem like trolls, I will block most of them and I will call out unacceptable behavior here
- I am not an expert. I am a flawed human whose heart is broken and I’m learning to be a better human while trying to find reconnection with my children.
I look forward to connecting with you, having you read this blog and especially for you to find some peace in all of this because it is an emotional slog to try to build a great life and not have your children in it.
ShardsAndWords is where you can find tips, help, opinions, no profanity censorship (unless you’re a troll and I will call you out), and lots of inspiration.