Today is March 17th 2024. I note the date because it takes me a long time to process things. I’m ok with that, it’s something I’ve grown to love about myself. Sitting with things. Chewing on things. It’s taken me decades to understand what my own opinions are and sitting with things helps me know me.
This past December, Oldest son and New Daughter in law hosted christmas. Their first christmas in their new home together. They bought and moved into the home in June. They got married in January. They had overflowing plates. Still, they generously offered to host christmas and invited Oldest son’s side of the family to join.
Estranged Daughter, Son in law and Grandson opted out. Estranged Daughter texted me weeks after her decision letting me know they chose a chaos free holiday. I told her I thought that was a good idea. You can read about some of what’s wrapped up in that here.
So, in attendance beside myself were;
1-Oldest son & Daughter in law & Oldest grandson.
2-Youngest son & Daughter in law pregnant with Youngest grandson.
3-the abuser.
Over the years I have made a wide variety of attempts to express or talk about the violence the abuser wreaked on us. Lots of those attempts were more lashing out than expressing something in a clear and boundaried way. I keep learning and am getting much better at choosing moments that can make a difference.
Today’s post is about one time I chose not to lash out. A story focused on christmas eve dinner, the subtle ways an abuser gets passes on saying vile things because a family has grown numb to the assaults.
We spent a few days together over the week of the holiday. I live near Oldest son and Daughter in law so I came and went and didnt stay overnights at their house.
We played board games (love this so much) opened gifts, ate a ton, swam in their heated pool.
Christmas eve dinner night we filled the table with our shared creations of new and old tradition foods and the table was set with love. This photo doesn’t do it justice.
When you spend 18 years in full on defense mode, trying to understand why a person is being violent toward you when you naively imagined a life of true partnership, shared goals and lifting one another in hard times it changes everything inside you. It changes how you think about the world. It changes who you choose to trust (both during the violence and long after leaving the violence). It changes how you feel about yourself in terms of trusting your own judgement because how could you have chosen to be in a marriage with someone who clearly hates you and what you represent to them? I ended that in 1997. 27 years ago. And am only in the last 5 years or so making progress on healing.
Well into our shared dinner, it was obvious abuser was intent on plowing the conversation toward what was on his mind. Having spent all of those awful years around him, I can see what’s about to happen. He’s transparent in so many ways while he believes himself to be a clever thing always on top of everyone else. He has zero filter.
The conversation we were having was around Oldest Son and Daughter in law’s upcoming wedding, their plans, their enjoyment of looking forward to it.
abuser jumped in with the most random comment:
”They sign up but don’t stick around” and gestures to Oldest son and says “You know how that is! You’ve been married before!”
We were all shocked. First the immense disrespect abuser had for Daughter in law was shocking. The disrespect he painted on to Oldest son in that moment was disgusting. Oldest son folded his arms across his chest and simply said “thanks a lot.”
You see, Oldest son was married before. He married a woman who was physically abusive to him and cheated on him. He chose to end that. I am so proud of him.
Now he’s married to someone I hope will truly have his interests at heart; a true partner who won’t call him names, hit him, or denigrate him.
There was some further asshat commentary by abuser that I tuned out.
And no one said more. This is a pattern in this current iteration of my family. To be clear; my family is my three children, their partners and children and myself. We are silent in the face of the absolute cruel things abuser cannot help himself from spewing. There are so many examples of it and it’s ruthless. And still. They are silent in the face of it. This is partly because I was mostly silent during those years. It took me decades to understand what happened in that house. And many of those years I completely blamed myself. More on that in the future.
The thing is; there was much more to what abuser was saying in that moment. My unfortunate knowing him and his techniques, it was clear he was all in his feelings.
You see, I signed up. I didn’t stick around. I love that about me. It hurt the kids a lot, it saved us from so much too.
The absolutely funny in a not laughing way, thing about abuser, and there are many, is that he could not keep a marriage together, he could not keep a second engagement together and he can not keep his vile mouth shut.
So; what would I have said if I chose to speak up in that moment and really darken the dinner? I would have said:
”Well, domestic violence and infidelity are two absolutely solid reasons for any smart woman not to stick around. And you know I’m talking about your chosen behavior all those years.”
As I said. I’m learning. I’m learning discernment.
I want these things to be out in the open in my family. So we are clear again; my family is my three children, their partners and children and myself.
But we are not there yet. We are not a unit of people who talk openly about the domestic violence in my children’s childhood home. We do not talk about generational trauma, of which there is so much still to be uncovered among myself and my prior generations of family.
I want that for us. And that will take family therapy. Something I’m ready for but not my adult children. Yet.
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