Go without hate but not without rage. ~ Paul Monette
This. It is such an important message in this world, in our country at this moment and for ourselves during this time of estrangement from our child or children.
The deep complexity of estrangement is both unique to us and common to so many. Our own family experiences as children whether abusive, neglectful or something different have woven into us our reactions to the world. And wildly, that weaving will be different for every single person who we grew up with - in the same home.
Then there is our experience as a person outside of our family and there are many many systemic problems in that regard. Being a woman who has been well trained to give instead of take or be present in this world can cripple us for decades.
Sadly, while yes, there are SO many women in the younger generations who are not “taking it” there are SO many who are lost in the patriarchal system where when they eventually look up one day they will have given so much of themselves they are a shell of who they were intended to become.
That was my experience.
So that I choose in this chapter of my life to go without hate but not without rage and it is confusing many people.
To a person in my life, I don’t think anyone has experienced me genuinely standing up for myself, claiming a spot anywhere, telling anyone to fuck off. I have verbalized those things but have not lived them. And now I am.
The funny thing is whether I keep growing or stay small there will be those who don’t like how I am or show up in this world. I no longer take that on my shoulders; to accommodate.
So this time of estrangement is a complexity wrapped in so many life experiences. My children have their grievances about the way I handled the Dark Decade (made tons of mistakes as I have over my whole life as a parent and human). I am not certain yet, but at the moment it looks to me like those ten years are overshadowing the entirety of our lives together. Again, I am well aware that I am not the perfect mom. I know I am a good mom and a great grandma.
The piece people are not prepared for from me is calling out the abuse. Calling out misogyny. Calling out the systemic bullshit this culture and current government is forcing on mostly women and horrifically, mostly Black women and women of color, trans women.
The price I paid for staying stuck in immaturity and silence is the loss of relationship with my children. Every other thing that their choice to estrange from me is folded into it derives from those two problems I did not solve for earlier in my life-immaturity and silence.
I did not bring them along in my value system because of that silence and I regret that. I modeled kindness to others, but I modeled silence in the face of assault and violence toward Oldest Son and myself so they did not get the opportunity to work through those experiences in ways that would have brought them to full maturity themselves. And so whether they are navigating it now or still keeping themselves silenced about it all, it lingers.
Go without hate but not without rage. Please. For the sakes of the people you love infinitely, your own futures and for those who have yet to learn from you.
Thanks for reading, talk to you soon.