The good and bad news is you’re not alone in having your child estrange from you. By now you know there are thousands of us facing this pain. This post is to offer you 4 active ways to gain some peace in your life while you’re going through this extraordinarily painful experience. These actions can apply any time during the year but will help you get through holidays when the taboo, judgement and the pain can increase dramatically.
When it comes to the holidays and your adult child or children are not part of your life, the pain can be magnified immensely, especially if you are also alienated from your grandchildren. From being around other families and their children and grands, to coworkers sharing their holiday plans or events to watching the multitude of movies and shows that highlight togetherness of families. It’s doubly hard during the holidays.
If you’re new here you can read my story for context because what I share here is from a lived experience. I’m not a mental health specialist, but I am an expert in that I’m a mother whose heart is broken and I am building a life that has moments of pure joy mixed with the deepest sadness. I’m flawed. I’m human. My children are actively estranging themselves from me.
I do each of the 4 things I’m offering you in this post at different times. They help almost all of the time because of course there are times things get overwhelming and I sit in my pain and acknowledge it and its impact on my heart. Then I get back to building this life with the most intention I can. Interestingly, that’s how most lives go for all of us - moments of good mixed with moments of bad - and I would wager it’s the same for our adult children as well.
When Estranged Daughter graduated from high school she first went to University of North Texas which was the perfect amount of distance (a couple hours from home) for a new college student. She decided on a business degree, marketing, that she’d figure out later wasn’t a fit for her and years later would become a nurse which was much more a fit for a time for her. I supported her going to, staying or leaving UNT - my take on life is if you give something a genuine try and recognize you need a change then change things. One of my favorite memories is one of the first times she came home from UNT, pulled (kind of careened) into the driveway, parked the car at an angle, literally jumped out and ran into me hugging me like I hadn’t experienced from her since childhood-the jump on you put your legs around someone kind of hug. I will never forget it, it was one of my favorite memories of her and loving her.
And. One of my biggest mistakes with all of my children has been sending them out into the world but not being responsible for keeping close relationships with them. I am a withdrawer so if there is conflict my first response is to back up, withdraw and observe. The other thing I learned from my parents is the expectation that our children will reach back to us out of some invisible obligation that I find ridiculous now that I am older and Daughter has estranged herself from me. Problem is, I never learned to round back and build or repair. That’s something I’m learning to do obviously late in life and I’m adding it to my life toolkit. Unfortunately my children aren’t on pace with me. At the moment my reaching out to them is met with silence or punitive alienation from my grandchildren. I understand they need to stay away and I will wait for them to catch up.
For a lot of us, we become isolated when children choose to estrange from us. As hard as it can be, connecting with people while you’re dealing with estrangement is crucial to you moving in a positive, healthy direction.
The 4 things
In the meantime here are the things that bring peace to me on a mostly regular basis. I say they help most of the time because I am human and in pain and the pain sometimes grabs me by my throat and it takes some time to move through it.:
- Acknowledge the pain and your feelings which may include anger-sit with it a while (it will dissipate). This can be one of the hardest actions - and it is an action - to do because we have been solvers of things for the lives of our children. Whether that was a good or not so good thing to have done for them, we have solved things. Sometimes we want to solve this estrangement fast and that’s simply not possible. We don’t know all the wounds our children have. We aren’t able to talk to them. We often are the source of many of their wounds. They have wounds compounded by living in this world, guaranteed.
- Do a thing for someone else might seem hard if you’re stuck in anger or pain but this will not only help you think about something/one else it will get you out into the world however briefly and let you focus on doing instead of feeling
- Go do a thing for you - you’ll thank me later. It’s not selfish, it’s uplifting and will let you take a breath, a beat, a moment and give yourself some of the love you would like to get. A concert, a comedy show, kayak, hike, a movie, pamper yourself, take the plunge and do a local gathering (I went to a local a friendsgiving for the first time in my life this thanksgiving and it was so warm, wonderful, inclusive and one of the best times I have had in years). Go do.
- Reach out to a friend who knows your situation if you have been able to talk about estrangement and ask for a few minutes to vent or just say the things you’re feeling. If that hasn’t bee possible, go online and find one of the many many groups out there filled with parents in your situation. A word of caution on this: while these groups have good intentions you will also find that many of them gravitate toward one sided thinking so please take great care in the groups you choose to immerse yourself in, they, like the news can become toxic and turn you fully against your child needlessly-remember; you are the only one who knows your situation no matter how similarly to your experience the things being said between parents and adult children is.
You may already have developed some techniques to deal with the painful fact your child has estranged from you in your day to day life. Feel free to share what has worked for you by commenting, there are so many people who will benefit from your experiences.
Thanks for reading, talk to you soon